Deal with it.ĭafoe don’t give no fucks about no chestnuts But then again, this movie has been out for almost 5 years. Just be aware there are SPOILERS in this bad boy. With that said, I would like begin with a simple statement of journalistic integrity:ĮEEWEWWWWEEWWWWEEEWWWWEEWWWWW AAHA AHA AHHA MAKE IT STOP, PLEASE MAKE IT STOP, MOMMY! I have shifted from a wide-eyed moronic 23 year-old, practically still soaking in amniotic fluid (that metaphor is terrifyingly apt for this movie) to a fully grown Critique (it’s in French because it’s, you know, fancy ‘n’ shit) who grandly opines, tying the disparate threads of auteur imagination into a bundle of throbbing and mesmerizing humanity, a web of such intellectual and emotional gravity that would murder even Sandra Bullock. SPOILERS: it isn’t the lady who gets raped this time.īefore we begin, let me say, in these last few years wandering the sordid display of cinematic gems on display in the Flix of Net, I have grown a good deal. Since then, I have also joked and jested about reaching into the Netflix Roulette jar and plucking out one of the more ‘rapey’ affairs, my main target and fear: Antichrist. Well, the fates of ordained it, the planets have aligned and chance has punched me in the dick once more, for, on that Halloween night in twenty-aught-thirteen in the year of our iPad, I drew the rapiest of the rapey. Since that fateful day, locked in my room, my pajamas practically melting into my epidermis to become some kind of magical hangover-bark, I slogged my way through that 2.5 hour epic of wanton women and Kiefer Sutherland wearing glasses in severe not-torturing-people-to-save-the-world mode. And by delight I mean, “Bizarre dreamy fog of boobs and sadness”. How appropriate was it, then, when my first course of many was the Lars Von Trier delight: Melancholia. That’s ‘Film’ with a capital ‘F’ for ‘Fucking Pretentious’. When I began this humble blog in twenty-aught-twelve Anno Domini ACDC Esquire, I decided I needed to expand my cinematic repertoire with a little more Film. I will never look at Ents the same way ever again. OSCAR PLEASE: Prisoners (2013) – Denis Villineuve.OSCAR PLEASE – Gravity (2013) – Alfonso Cuaron.Thor: The Dark World (2013) – Alan Taylor.
The Hunger Games: Caching Fire (2013) – Francis Lawrence.BAT-A-THON: Batman and Robin (1997) - Joel Schumacher.RELAPSE: Deep Blue Sea (1999) - Renny Harlin.
Whine & Cheese Episode 4 - Trapped in the Closet.NSFW - Geoffrey Rush's Genius Penis (Quills/Mystery Men).SUMMER: Moonrise Kingdom (2012) - Wes Anderson.
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